Carnival Cruise Trips – Don’t!

Why I won’t go on a carnival cruise vacation.

I don’t like rave parties and I don’t want to pay my hard-earned money to be stuck on a cruise ship with a bunch of drunken louts. But that’s just me.

Think about it, you’re anticipating a relaxing, somewhat elegant cruise vacation and you end up on the S.S. Animal House. Not all cruise lines are alike (to say the least), and with Carnival, you are taking a trip that will make you wish you’d never left the farm. (Little seventies music reference there)

Let’s face it, your idea of a great cruise trip will not always match up with another person’s idea of a great cruise trip. People have different tastes and different expectations for their perfect vacation, and more power to them. There is a ship for everyone. Carnival is just not my idea of time and money well spent. Even if they are cheap cruises, I won’t waste my time hanging with a lot of loud, rude, drunk yahoos. Rowdy teenagers who stagger around, drunk off their butts, causing scenes and putting shampoo in the Jacuzzis. Fat women in astonishing swimwear with their three foot tall Carnival Cruise “drink of the day” souvenir plastic monstrosities, making that hideous “WOOOO-HOOOOO” shriek. And how about pot-bellied, hairy-backed men competing the belly-flop contests and sometimes *shudder* wearing speedo-like swimsuits. It’s especially bad when they stand with their back to you and bend over from the waist in order to pull up their dark socks. Alert customs! That dude is smuggling a fruit basket into the country! And call the doctor, we’ve got an outbreak of nausea on the Lido Deck!

Also, a Carnival Cruise nickels and dimes you on everything from specialty restaurants to simple bottles of water. Tips are automatically included in your onboard bill, which sort of defeats the whole original purpose of tips being an optional addition for exceptional service.

Then there is the whole hard selling of crappy worthless “art”. Ugh, “Come to the art auction and get a free glass of Chateau de Merde champagne!” Oooo, sure, sign me up, I’ll sacrifice an hour of my precious vacation time to look at over-hyped schlock and get the hard sell from unctuous con men. Oh, and the pricey photos – don’t even get me started on the ever-present cruise photographer who interrupts your dinner, tells you to “hold it” on the gangway every time you get on and off the ship and is snapping pictures just when you don’t want to be immortalized. You should just see the large amount of passengers who line up on formal night to get their photos taken: teens in prom dresses and tiaras – yes, you heard me – tiaras for goodness sake! Everyone’s a freaking princess, especially when they’re shrieking and vomiting by the pool after hours. Oh, sorry your tiara fell off when you were heaving up the Beef Wellington in the hot tub, you lushy low-life. Oops,there goes the Baked Alaska.

It has been said (not by me, oh no, no) that Carnival Cruise Lines, by offering such cheap cruise trips, may be doing the country a favor by temporarily removing some of the riff-raff from our shores. Heh. I’m all for finding a great cruise deal, but sometimes cheap is as cheap does. Or vice-versa -- you get my drift.

And here’s another thing -- who wants to sail on a ship that checks your luggage for contraband booze? It’s true! A lot of the cheap cruise ships, Carnival included, inspect passengers’ carry-ons and luggage to make sure nobody is sneaking booze on board. Some claim and put it in the fine print of their literature that they will even inspect mouthwash bottles to make sure it is really mouthwash and not tequila or whatever. And they will inspect your shopping bags as you return to the ship from a day in port! Yes, let that sink in a moment, Now I don’t know about you but I left junior high years ago and happen to be a fully grown adult, thank you very much and if I want to buy a bottle of wine in port and drink it in my cabin, it rubs me the wrong way that the alcohol police will confiscate it. Sure, they return it to you at the end of the cruise, just in time for you to stuff it in your suitcase, pay forty dollars in excess baggage weight at the airport and hope it doesn’t break en route and soak all your clothes on the flight home. With any luck you will not find yourself in this situation on the drive home from the airport: “No officer, I haven’t been drinking.” “Ma’am, why does your car smell like alcohol?” “Ummm, you see, it’s my illegal wine that I was not allowed to consume on the ship. It, uh, broke. Honest!” “Step out of the car, ma’am. . .”

Listen, I can understand, from a business point of view, why Carnival Cruise offers such cheap cruise vacations and then has to restrict any alcohol from being allowed to be brought on board. The cheap fare is a loss leader. They get as many passengers on board as possible at a below market rate, and rely on making up the difference with your on board spending, primarily at the overpriced bar. A really, really overpriced bar. And what would most interfere with making a killing from the woo-hoo, party till you drop crowd on board? If everyone sneaked in booze from Cancun or Cozumel and set up their own bars in the cabins.

At the end of the day, I have to hand it to Carnival. They have created a hugely successful cruise line that is very popular and profitable. The fares are cheap and almost anyone can afford to take a cruise these days. Just know what you’re getting in to – it won’t be an elegant experience by any means. And it won’t be a particularly relaxing vacation either. When you decide to take a Carnival Cruise trip, that is the price you pay for the price you pay.